“Why does God hate me?” is the question I feel like asking those closest to me. When God knows what I dread the most, hears my prayers, but still allows that thing to happen… I don’t know about you, but it hurts. It hurts to know that an all-powerful God can place his hand on any situation and make it turn out differently but doesn’t. And no matter what that situation ranges from — a relationship, a job, a loved one dying, or finances — it doesn’t change that it hurts. Whatever situation you find yourself in while reading this, it hurts. I acknowledge that. I acknowledge that it sucks, and I acknowledge that those are the times when your responses to questions of “How are you?” get met with, “I’m just trying to keep the faith.” When the concerned questions of “What are you praying” go no further than “God, help me!” Sometimes said through tears and snot, and other times said through anger and shouts. You’re not alone. I’ve been there. I am there.
I wish there were words I could say to change your situation. I can’t. I can only sit with you behind this screen and feel your pain. I can’t go through it for you, but I can go through it with you and remind you of the truths I have to tell myself.
First, just because I feel a certain way, doesn’t mean it’s true. I feel God hates me. I feel anger with God. I feel God is doing a crappy job at being God right now. But the truth is, God does love me and He does a far better job at being God than I could (Romans 8:31-39). Let’s be honest…that’s the reason I’m truly mad. I’m mad because God’s not letting me be God of my life. He’s not handing over the control I so dearly desire. And if I could guess, he’s not letting you be God of your life either. But we’ve seen how things turn out when we try to be God of our lives: Adam and Eve, the Tower of Babel, Abraham and Sarah, etc. Them trying to be God of their lives yielded terrible results! How would it be any different for us (Isaiah 55:8-9)?
If we knew what God knew, we’d want what God does.
Second, you are not abandoned. Jesus is there in your pain even though it’s hard to see. Look for Jesus. He’s there (He’s even in my sweater if you look close enough). Let me share how He is in my situation. God has sent me friends to be there for me. That’s Jesus. He’s brought to mind songs to encourage me. That’s Jesus. He’s allowed specific words from people who don’t even know my situation to be spoken to me and bring peace. That’s Jesus. I’m sure if I keep looking, I’ll see more signs of him. And I know, years down the line, when I’m not so close to the situation, I’ll look back and say, “That was Jesus.”
I know none of this changes your situation. Nor do I know how long you’ll be in this situation or feel the pain of this situation. But it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Take the time you need. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to scream (My car has become my favorite place right now). But know this sweet friend, you’ll be okay. You. will. get. through. this!
P.S. When you’re doing your best is sometimes when Satan loves to hit you the most. If I can get a little personal, one of the reasons I feel the way I do deals with my dating relationships. So this last part is for those dealing with romantic relationships who may feel the same way. I heard this quote and wanted to share it with you to encourage you.
Although marriage is a blessing, marriage is not a reward for doing something right and singleness is not a punishment for something you haven’t done.
P.P.S. As I stated, God has brought to mind many songs to encourage me through this season. Below I’m going to share a few.